more packing

last night i attempted to fill both of my suitcases and weigh them. oh how i HATE the weight limits imposed by airlines! i can have two suitcases that weigh 50 pounds each for a total of 100 pounds. trying to shrink my life of the past 2 years into 100 pounds is proving to be more of a challenge than i had expected. since i originally planned to be in mongolia 4 years, i brought over a few things that would help me feel at home. now i'm having to face the possibility of leaving them behind and in some small way leaving behind that sense of home with them. how can i get so attached to such silly little things?

the more i think about moving to chicago and really settling there, the more it appeals to me. i long to have a place that i live in more than a few years so that i can "put down roots" there. i want to settle into a ch*rch and know that i will be there for a long time. i want to make friends and not feel the impending goodbye as soon as we meet. i didn't know how hard it would be for me to truly make friends here. i couldn't seem to shake the goodbye that would come in 4 years, and now it's coming after just two years. i have felt like that goodbye was a shadow on all my relationships here, and i hate it. now that i'm packing up my physical things and discovering that i'll have to say goodbye to some of them as well, it's almost becoming too much for me.

deep down i think one of the reasons i'm having a bit of a hard time right now is because of my financial situation. i'm coming back to the states because there aren't enough resources in my account. because i have had a low monthly allowance for the past 2 years, i'll be moving to chicago and trying to start over there with no savings. as i'm thinking of leaving things behind here, i'm realizing that i won't have the funds to replace them in the states. i feel like i'm being very wasteful to leave things behind when i don't have money to buy them again. constantly rebuilding a household seems like a very poor way to spend the funds Father has entrusted to me, and yet this is the task i'm facing. i brought over a few small kitchen appliances, and i'm questioning whether or not to bring them back with me. i've had a waffle iron for a few years and wonder if i should try to fit it in my suitcase or just leave it behind. what about the mini food processor i received as a gift just a couple of years ago? i would have left all of these things in storage at my parents' house if i had known i would be returning to the states right now.

and then there's the question of my clothes and shoes. i'm always very careful to only buy things on sale. in fact all of the clothes i have here now are items i bought on sale, at thrift stores, or had given to me. yet i feel terrible leaving clothes behind if they are still wearable. even if i only paid a few dollars for each item, i feel that it is worth more than that. once again i feel wasteful if i leave things behind that are still wearable. i can take comfort in knowing that there are friends here who will really appreciate the things i give them, but it's still hard for me.

i need to daily remind myself of psalm 34:10 - even strong young lions my grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lrd lack no good thing. he provided these good things for me before, and he can surprise me again if he chooses.
also i'll remember john 10:10 - I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly. i want abundant life that isn't wrapped up in the "things" in my suitcase!